dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
