he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
