I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
