he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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