Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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