Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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