I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
