Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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