my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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