I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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