saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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