Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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