The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
