i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
