i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
