I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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