I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
