Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
