Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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