I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
