i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize