dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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