His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
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