I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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