I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
