She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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