Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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