I am in a vortex of obligation.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
