I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
