You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
