Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
