I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
