Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
