I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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