you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
