Pants 0. Shit 1.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
