He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
