you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
