What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
