There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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