Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
