I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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