The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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