why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
