i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
