The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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