Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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