Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
