I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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