i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
