my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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