Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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