Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
