i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
